Venus on Earth

그것을 풀어 시간이다

Venusday — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 17:54:59 +0000

It’s just so uneasy….asking me to help you buy the flight ticket….my hand just feeling hard…every click seems so difficult…its getting nearer…everything seems to appear…seeing u preparing step by step…my heart just feel like breaking. But you seems nothing…i cant tell what it is but i just feel that you are not what you are anymore. Sort of you trying to put a gap between us but yet you wanna act close as usual…its just so fake to me… you just no longer care about my feeling like you used to.

You still act like your old way but i just noticed its somehow different. Its not 100% sincere…it was like you are repaying me back or you just feel pity for me since you always said i treat you so good. Was it all my imagination or am i just being too naive? to think that you might just so enjoy my company? or is it a good sign because you are reviewing the real you – scorpion? which means you are letting me go deeper into you? and testing me whether i can totally accept you before you decided to accept me?

I started to feel tired guessing which you said is true and which is not… you just said i look like geek when u bumo into me last time…that night u texted me saying you bump into a cute Domo….*smile* . I should think twice again…. its not right for me to keep drag into this any longer….it wont turn to anything … really…..

算!

Venusday — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 16:20:21 +0000

I’m getting mad!! I just feel like stopping all this. He just affected my mood so much. When i text, he replied cooly, so i stop doing that. But he will keep texting me after that. When i thought i might be too sensitive over the case so i gave in. I went out with Gyss for dinner, received a sms from him – frowning asking me where am i…i was playfully replied ” you miss me? LOL ” …..he paused for few mins before he reply again. Beyond my expectation he said ” 算了” . What the hell is he trying to do? i felt like a fool….i didnt mean so seriously asking that but he gave me the feeling like he is so afraid that i really mean it….and just pull back.

Reached home….still i expected he is around (MSN) but he is not…text him again asking will he be online….he paused again….at last he didnt and gave me such a lame excuse saying he was outside didnt aware of my sms. But i only took 1 min to reply his sms….i’m sure as a human, you will be expecting a reply so you wont just leave your mobile for long after u just texted someone….he didnt explain much and just say sorry to me. I’m so tired and i’m just curious what is in his mind?…what is he trying to do? testing me?…using me? fooling me? what a roller coaster journey i’m having with him… i admit he can make me happy to heaven but at the same time he can push me to hell….but up and down too frequent will make me mad….i just cant take such a big changes in a sec….

Kero, are you just fooling around with me? since you are leaving soon…so you are just enjoying the moment having someone to admire you so much? Pls don’t do that to me…i don’t think i deserve this…

Something amiss

Venusday — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 16:31:10 +0000

Everything went smooth today but yet i still feel something amiss. He is on holiday…yes! he is….is that the reason? went to the salon early in the morning…work, work and work…ive done almost everything i need to before i go on leave on coming Mon. I keep looking at my Levi’s brown watch wondering what he is doing now and of cause i check my mobile to see any new text from him every now and then. Nothing until 12:20pm, i’ve got his text!! he is reporting where is he now…i found that whenever he is away, he will on and off letting me know where and what is he doing.

Why? think of me even i’m not with him? though sometimes i just don’t want to end the conversation with him, but i end it everytime because i’m afraid i might scared him off (thinking that i’m so sticky) and of cause i keep telling myself not to fall for him so much (i will get hurt at the end). He never failed to reassure me that i’m somehow different. He send picture of what is happening over there, he shares the joy, every moment.

His sms for tonight just kind of different from usual. He never been so direct before. He said he is fine as long as i’m with him….?? he miss me ??? Arrgg…it just make my heart beating fast… am i crazy? because we are impossible….thinking back when i always watch in the drama where the actress just feel so hurt when she cant be with someone she deeply in love…i always thought ‘ is it that hurt?’ YES IT IS…. i feel it now….i just can’t accept that i’m getting more and more into him. I feel so bad and guilty. I’m just in a mess now…Pls helppp…~

It’s not Venusday

Venusday — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 18:30:33 +0000

It’s Wednesday but not Venusday. Why he keeps running in my mind? i started to feel tired but i just can’t control myself. Why must you be doing the right thing at just the right moment? whenever you try to be cool, i was sad but i was relief at the same time because i have reason to stop myself being trap deeper in you but just when i try to do so, you came and gimme a big warm hug, reassure me that you still care for me. This is so tiring….

You care…you always said so, but why you can just walk pass me cooly? left me chasing you from behind?i felt like shit at that moment. I chose to leave silently and go on with my daily plan. You texted me, asking why i left silently. Why? why everytime i thought you didnt care but u told me you did actually? You gave no response when receiving it, my heart just sank but you annouced to the world that you love it so much. Is it true that Scorpion like to test the one he cares until he satisfy ..until he is willing to give in? Was it all a test for me? you just won’t let me know what is in your mind and what you want. You just want me to guess and hit it. I admit the feeling striking BINGO!! was so flying up but at the same time i’m a bit tired of this guessing games sometimes.

Hmmm…is it a good sign that you willing to gimme the test? at least i’m eligible to? or i’m just thinking too much. Maybe everything is just created from my imagination? you are actually treating me as one of your clicked-friend ? so many question here….when can i know the exact answer?

I think i must learn not to give myself too much pressure. I saw an advertisement today. He said human nowadays just worry too much, hardly stay at the moment they are now. The living speed is just too high until its either they are thinking of whats next in the future or what they have done in the past. They just neglected the current moment. So we dont have to care so much about the goal and result, whats important in the journey that we go through and what we gain from it. I agree, so i’m trying to learn how to enjoy what i have now and not to worry so much what is happening next. Wish me pls…..

Valentine’s Day

Venusday — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 17:25:51 +0000

A lonely Valentine’s Day, but my mood isn’t so bad though. Got a valentine’s wish early in the morning from Kero. It just made my day but i wonder why. Why he is able to affected my mood so much? Why i care so much of what he did to me? there is too much WHY in my head. Everything left unexplained.

We had lunch together. I just spend so much time to think and analyse what to buy for lunch. I just wanna get what kinda food he has in mind but at last i chose the one which is suitable for him instead of what he likes ( he is having toothache). I was just so happy that we shared the moment (lunch time) lol…and i was happy for the rest of the day. But why at the same time i don’t even hope there is some plan from Gboy? i used to get mad when he has nothing in mind when comes to celebration but i was cool and calm this year. Eventually he did ask me what i want for dinner. I just said ” i’m on diet, let’s go home” and he has no comment at all. Hmmm…..i’m getting tired of this.

On my way back, i received a text from Kero. He said actually he thought of asking me out for dinner the whole day but just because i was so quiet and i might have my own plan at night so he didnt. Awwww….why don’t you ask?? anyhow i’m just so happy to know you did wanna ask me out. Since i’m almost home so we date each other online like what we did for the past 2 months. Can you believe this is how i go through my Valentine’s Day? but i’m happy instead….else i will be sitting alone in front of my comp and he will be with his comp in the room….i just don’t think this is a healthy relationship.

I’m confused of my feeling. Am i just too lonely or i’m just attracted to Kero so much? all the things i’ve done to him is not what i will normally do even to Gboy. I’m putting all my effort just to please him. And i will be so *scream* if he give a single response to me. Is it a crush? Arggg… we are just so impossible….but i can;t control it to happen….i did try to avoid but it get worst….it make me miss him more….Kero, who are you? and why are you here? or you are meant to be here with me?

Kero

Venusday — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 15:00:46 +0000

Kero, the name which i will never forget in my life ( at least for this moment ). I can’t remember since when this person stand so much in my heart. I moved to Bangsar Village on 1st July 2010. I remembered i was so sad to leave all my lovely colleagues in BSC. Cried and cried is what i did but nothing has changed. Working in BV made my day seems longer…..i keep looking at my watch waiting for the time to go home. Didn’t really aware of his existance at all. He seems very cool and not easily to get along with. At least i didn’t even wanna give a damn to this just-a-junior. But sometimes i did wonder why is he so one-kind….no one likes him? he has real friends? all kinds of question pop up whenever i saw him passed by. Few months has passed, i slowly felt that i’m getting used to working in BV, at least i must force myself to anyway…One day, i was sitting there doing my usual routine – comission…..he came and said, ” i thought of buying a DSLR” . i was stunned for few second and look at him and said, “oh really?..i’m interested in photography as well but i just sold my DSLR…thats too bad. Let’s go and survey when we are free k?” That was the begining of our friendship. It was just so simple and yet unique start. I just don’t get a hint why he will came to me all of sudden with this no-related-to-work question. I always ask him why but he just told me that he felt like asking me that….nothing much…hmmm…just let it be then….sometimes things get sweeter without knowing it clearly…do you agree?

We have been chatting on and off since then, mainly about photography. He has so much passion on it and he is just so talented. I started to admire him so much….started wanting to know him more and more….hmmm kero, who are you actually?

17 Again

Venusday — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 15:52:51 +0000

Things happened today reminded of 17 yrs olds….Dad called,my colleague saw me talking to my dad rudely….she asked,”are u ok? who’s that?”…”my dad”,i said….i’ve never seen him seen 17 yrs old…..and before i reach home,i stopped by the stall hope to get some drama for my dinner tonight..unfortunately nothing is release this week…..i have to wait till friday…but i have to watch something while having my dinner…somehow i grabbed “17 Again” .

Its a teen movie but it reminds me lots of things which i wish to get back to 17 and have it done well all over again…..my studies….my family…….my everything.Seems like everything has gone wrong since 17.My dad left me a very big question mark till now….i always wanted to ask why but ended up kept it to myself….why he did this to us? to ME? what happened to him and mum?….everything ruined- i mean my plan..since the day he left.

I’m not a straight A student but at least i can do better than i did-i’m sure!! i had a dream.He promised to send me to overseas even though i havent finish my SPM…i’m going to have my college life there….came back to have a better job with promising future and not as a “Front Desk” wondering whether i will have enough money till end of the month.And i wont be trying so hard to express myself here with limited vocab and tons of grammar mistake.

I know all this can not be blame on anyone…but i’m not clever enough to do it on my own….i need a proper investor to invest on me so i can be a better person….i started to work at 17 and my time and salary didnt allow me to study at the same time…so i gave up…but from time to time whenever i have extra money i did my very best to take up some courses but – this is funny- something will come up for sure to stop me doing all this.It’s true….until i felt a bit old to catch up with lots of things…hey,i’m not giving up yet!!

Who am i now if i manage to do what i wanted to since 17?..i always like to ask myself this-(what if?)….Gboy said i think too much sometimes…yes,i’m a thinker…there is lots of things i wanted to do but i can’t … so the only place i can do all i wanted to is –> in my head….luckily i’m not a dreamer…i can be more realistic than u can imagine..lol..

Never take 17 for granted…its not too early to think what u want at this age….else u will be thinking about it when u turn 27…trust me….

Papa

Venusday — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 13:38:27 +0000

Father’s Day is around the corner.All my friends are busy discussing what to get for their hero….honestly i can’t even remember whether its 2nd or 3rd week of June because i don’t get a chance to do all the preparation for the past 10 yrs…

Today,one of my friend asked me to accompany him to choose a card for his daddy –>i went…. walked around the bookstore,noticed there is lots of design available now—->spotted few designs which i really like… buy it? for who?….after 5 mins we left…he didnt get to find the card that he wants….right before the exit,at the corner left,there is a display counter (various brand and type of pen).

Something crossed my mind—-> i remembered!!!! the last Father’s Day (more than 10 yrs ago) i bought a Parker pen for my papa…it was gold color cuz he likes matching stuff ( he had a new gold glasses)….that day i wasn’t sure what to get for him…i opened my piggy bank and dig as much money as i can —>got all at the end cuz i’m really bad in saving money lol…went straight to Hankyu Jaya —>search floor by floor—>ended up at the stationary corner.Wonder the pen still around with him?

Papa,Happy Father’s Day…

SCARY Tuesday

Venusday — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 12:47:01 +0000

Its my 3rd injection today and still my heart beats very fast when the nurse called my name.It beats even faster when i sat in the Procedure Room waiting for doc to come…..15 mins –> He came.I asked him why i dun see any improvement after the 2nd injection….he told me most of the ppl only get to feel it after the 3rd session…”are you ready?” he said. BeeBoop BeeBoop BeeBoop….i’ve already grabbed Gboy’s hand really tight..closed my eyes even before doc touch my knee.Sometimes i think “why am i so scared?..i’m an adult…even kids do better than me”..i just dunno why…i’m just scared…you might be asking me “is it that PAINFUL?”….Its not…..ermm…yes..slight pain and not until i need to squeeze Gboy’s hand so hard….He nearly shout it out….Sorry darling….and Thanks for encouraging and being with me all the time….Well the scariest part is when i proceeded to the cashier.Dun mention abt the figure but its just too much to me.It cost more than my income!!!! Arggghhh…..

Injection…

Venusday — Wed, 13 May 2009 15:32:12 +0000

救命呀！！下個禮拜二我嘅膝頭哥要打針咗．．醫生話呢支針可以幫到我，但係每支針大約要五百蚊，一個禮拜打一次．．你話激唔激？希望呢次唔會再痛番呢．．你哋一定要支持我！！支持我嘅朋友請留言．．因為呢段文章我寫得好辛苦，好用心．．俾吓面都好喎。